Lighting/CG/everything ace Billy Brooks catches Varla between setups
Least-exciting movie chases: ”The Big Sleep” (1978) Aging Robert Mitchum must out-walk man with cane
47 Is the New 47-90
Getting older would probably be hard anyway, given how shallow and gay I am. But it would have been nice to be able to point to someone older than me at parties and be all, “Who forgot to tell Gramma this is a party for practicing gays? I wouldn’t know whether to date him or carbon-date him!” Only I can’t because all the gay men older than me died. Thanks for nothing, AIDS victims. I hope you… wait, duh, never mind. We’re good.
Well not all gay men older than me died of AIDS, just all the cute ones. It was like “Revenge of the Nerds,” only swishier and for keeps. Which means the only gay men who are older than me and not dead are the old versions of guys who were too ugly to get themselves fucked without a rubber when they were twenty-four. And all they do now by still being alive is spread very unhelpful misinformation about what a fifty-six year-old gay man looks like. I have caught guys who were contemplating dating me doing the math on their fingers.
I can’t even turn any of this into a screenplay because they already made a movie about what it’s like to be a forty-seven year old gay man in the year 2010 and it’s called “Logan’s Run.” I even think the people who made it knew that’s what they were making at the time. Don’t ask me how, just consider the evidence:
1. It stars Michael York:
2. Tell me that’s not a sphincter.
What market research determined that dog owners want to feed their pets lamb?
It started with the boutique rich-person brands, but now everybody’s getting in on the action. At this scale, how many lambs are we talking about here? I can’t even bear eating lamb myself. I picture those cute little creatures, all Darwin-iably adorable so the grown ups will look after them, probably innocent and trusting right up to the end. Plus it’s too pungent and gristly. My dog isn’t haunted by such thoughts, of course; then again, she would never get tired of chicken.
Are we even sure that sheep aren’t the more intelligent animal? Could feeding lamb to a dog be a moral crime on the order of us eating extra-terrestials? And not even knowing that’s what the chunks are?
Of course, if the implications of any of this bother you, no one’s holding a gun to your head. You could always feed your dog salmon:
I have never hoped something was really just sawdust and melamine more.
